I woke up today with a splitting sinus headache. The sort that feels like someone is driving a pencil right into your skull. Happy Memorial Day, indeed.
Isn’t that a weird thing to say?
I’m currently using my Facebook as a platform to talk about the terrible murders in Isla Vista, and the consequences of allowing misogyny to run rampant across our society, as we have been, so I turn to this old friend to talk about other things. It seemed inappropriate to interrupt with my own comparatively inconsequential whining. After all, I did wake up today. Some didn’t.
I’m not here, much, anymore. Who has times for blogs? Or the energy and will to write about…feelings? It’s probably not so much of an interesting read, since I only post about how I’m feeling when I’m not feeling very good, but I’ll do it, anyway.
I recently got a job tutoring students for the ACT. Officially, I tutor Reading and English, but there’s a good chance I’ll start tutoring Science, as well. This is a good thing; I hate to be cooped up in the house all the time. It pays well enough, if you can get enough hours and students don’t cancel. I was told they hardly ever do, but in my first week I lost 4 hours worth of pay because of cancellations, so. I guess we’ll see about that. I’m struggling with the ethical implications of the job. In a lot of cases, it seems like the goal is not for the kids to understand the material; only improve their speed and accuracy, and thus, their score. As someone who wants to teach as a career, it bothers me, a lot. And standardized testing is the bane of American public education. Helping a company make money off it is disagreeable. But everyone there, I can tell, cares about these kids. And higher ACT scores means better colleges, and more scholarship money. Which in the end, helps them improve their educations, so I’m torn. But then, I also have several credit cards and student loans to pay off, so in the end I don’t suppose what I think about it really matters. I need to have a job until I start teaching, and this will look good on my resume, and it gives me some valuable experience teaching on an individual basis…which I need.
So, that’s that. I’m still playing with anxiety/depression medications. I met with a psychiatrist last week and we discussed some ways to make them work a little better, but she thinks I need to see a therapist and work out some repressed anger/frustration issues more than I really need to be medicated. We talked about my fear that I’m Borderline. She said that it’s impossible to diagnose a personality disorder in one session, but that I exhibit several borderline traits, though she thinks I’m not a full-on Borderline. She also said I exhibit a lot of Cluster C traits, which I thought at the time I understood but as it turns out, I’m not actually sure what it means after looking at Cluster C disorders. So I’ll have to ask about that next time I see her.
My meds are starting to not work as well, for the fourth time, so that’s something else that needs adjusting. Always adjusting. It gets pretty old. It’s almost easier to just not take medications at all…Except for that whole thing where I get afraid to leave the house, and then get depressed because I can’t leave the house. I’m not a homebody. I need to be doing things, “adventuring”, to be happy. And there are no adventures to be had in the house.
So, I guess that’s all I really had to say. We’ll see how long I go between blog posts this time.